I don't always get drunk and pass out on the beach, but when I do my buddies make it look good!

Dude Yeah? I got a dog! Nice, Name? Lunch. What?? why lunch? So I can say, "Hold on guys I'm ganna get lunch and when i come back the'll be expecting lunch but it will be a dog. you know sometimes I wonder how we became bestfriends. you love me so shut up

I Love you. I love u 2. Awe Really! Ya they're like my favorite band. Wow Jason.. You're an ass. Hahah baby chill I was kidding.. theyre not my favorite

Deception. I am so totally doing this on Halloween

Things you must try on an elevator

Things you must try on an elevator

- Stand silent and motionless in the corner facing the wall without getting off.

- Greet everyone with a warm handshake and ask them to call you admiral.

- Meow occasionaly

-Stare at another passenger for a while. Then announce in Horror : "You're one of them!" and back away slowly.

- Say DING at each floor.

- make explosion noises when someone presses a button.

- Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and then announce that this is your personal space.

- When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap him/her on the shoulder, then pretend it wasn't you.

- Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream : "That's mine!"

- Call out a group hug, then enforce it

The notebook is the funniest movie ever!

Yo Dawg I hear u have trouble understanding math and science so I hired professor with thick accents so U can't understand while you don't understand

Hey baby Im just chilling if you wanna come over. she gave you the wrong number brotha

IF anyone ever texts me "who is this" I always respond "Jake from State farm"

I fart in my boss office every morning before she arrives. and now she has facilities checking the walls for dead animals

Walking Dead Norman Reedus Prank

Found an extra pair of boots at the worksite decided to give my superviosr a heart attack

Hey Joe, do you have any Ketchup? What for? for this chip

You Know what this reminds me of? The pee Frisbee.

You Know what this reminds me of?
The pee Frisbee.

The best prank in the world [after poop butter, of
course}, and it doesn't even require going into
someones house. As long as there‘s a gap under
their door, you can get them.

You take a regular Frisbee, like one you‘d get at the
dollar store. and you pee in it. Put it upside-down,
pee in it, and put that in the freezer for a few hours.
You'll have disc of frozen piss.

Carefully remove it from the Frisbee, take it to your
neighbour‘s house [or friend's, or strangers, I don't
care, as tong as you keep that piss disc cold, man],
and slide it under their door.

It works best if nobody is home and won‘t be home
for a few hours. That pee will thaw right on their
floor, and they'll come home to a puddle of piss in
their house with no sign of anybody getting in.

Who the fuck peed on my floor?
That will haunt them for years.

When I have children, I'm going to make them watch the movie "2012" and tell them I survived that

I was being a dick to a cab driver last night and refused to pay the fare and threatened him.

I was being a dick to a cab driver last night and refused to pay the fare and threatened him. When he told me that he would take me to police station I got scared and planned to do a runner on him. and when I tried to run I forgot my phone in the cab. and now that cab driver is teaching me a lesson by writing this post. even though I was being extremely rude clumsy bastard, the cab driver is still kind enough to give me an opportunity to get my phone back. all he asking is the fare I owe him and an apologizing note on my Facebook wall. and want all my friends to like it so they can see my true face. The cab driver will check my Facebook again tomorrow to make sure. and once he sees the apologizing note he'll send the address to pick the phone up.

So my girlfriend asked me to burn her a copy of the Notebook

So, I'm at Walmart yesterday, walking behind two guys with downs syndome, no big deal. We pass by a display for Downy fabric softner, one of them points to it and they both start to laugh, seeing his I start to laugh too. They both turn around with serious faces on and go "what?" after about 5 seconds of awkward silence, one of them goes "JK BRO" they both give me highfives and wal away... I about died of laughter

His parents were upset when he rejected the family doorbell business. Dong Dong. Thankfuly his brother Ding was there to pick up the stack. Their third and oldest brother, Long. had a successfully career as well

Look what my fucking brother did to me. Tackled me, held me down, & put the heaviest, biggest fucking pad lock we have in my tunnel then got on his bike & left with the key.