Here, let me wipe that bullshit from your mouth

Karma serving up justice one asshole at a time

Don't judge me... if you're reading this then you're not working either

A good friend would offer you an umbrella in the rain. a best friend would steal yours and say "run bitch, run!'

I have a strong customer service background. by that I mean I always press the mute button before calling someone a cunt

A narcissist will use the phrase "get over it" because to them, your concerns are trivial and if it's not about htem, then they're not interested

want to cut a watermelon open without a knife? take a quarter, make a small incision, and karate chop it in half. it seriously works!

How about you fix yourself instead of breaking me.. that sounds more like a plan

When I get excited I too eat invisible cereal

I love you but the next time you include me on a group text message I will straight up punch you in the face

I love how coffee tricks me into thinking I'm in a good mood for about 27 minutes

Ermpa Lermpa Dermperder der

I've got bills, they're multiplying

Awesome things will happen today if you choose not to be a miserable cow

How are girls hard to understand? we like Taco Bell, Starbucks, cuddling, compliments, naps, Disney movies, yoga pants, and shopping

There is no sense in doing a lot of barking if you don't really have anything to say

Stupid autocorrect. you always end up posting some thong you didn't Nintendo

Are you a campfire? Cuz you're hot and I want S'more

Thanks for telling me to just have sex if I want to get pregnant. I've spent thousands on fertility treatments and never thought of that

If presented an enigma, Hark! I shall resolve it. indulge in this chorus whilst the conductor prolongs it. Ice, Ice, Ma'Dam

Annoying : People who use "literally" incorrectly. when I saw how much it cost, my head literally exploded! You seem to have healed surprisingly well. Way more annoying : People who use "literally" unnecessarily I literally drove my car to work today! but Yes, I suppose you did

I realize that I am highly educated and have an expansive vocabulary, but sometimes the most appropriate thing to say is OMG

Your stories could cure insomnia

Thanks for sending me a group text! Now, I will get text all day, from your friends! Awesome!

A boy makes his girl jealous of other women. A gentleman makes other women jealous of his girl

And so she gave no fucks. Not a single one. and she lived happily ever after. The End.

My cat's reaction to the bear skin rug my roommate brough home.

Hey girl. I get how you spent $300 at Target when we just needed toilet paper. I do that, too.

The party don't start 'till I walk in

My desire for overtime pay is not as strong as my desire to not be here.

Yes, I want you to get what you deserve. Don't blame me if what you deserve is horrible things. That's just Karma!

Ermahgerd Plersterc Berg

I don't judge people based on race, creed, colour or gender. I judge people based on spelling, grammer, punctuation and sentence structure

When someone compliments my shirt, I frantically tell them where and when I bought it, how much I spent and what other colors it comes in. I should just say "thank you"

The Visor in my car is too high to shield the sun from my eyes

There are eight ways of contacting me through my phone that don't involve me having to talk to you. use one of those

Let's not make this more complicated than it has to be. if you don't want to be called out on your shit, don't act shitty.

Are you still listening? No I am not. I am tired, I am lying down. You've been talking too long

Oh, you want to lose 3 lbs for bikini season? i had to eat raw carrots for lunch just to squeeze back into my fat jeans. WALK AWAY.

When I cry, tears roll down my face. Then I taste salt. when I taste salt, I think of French Fries. then I stop crying. Circle of Life

Do you like these apples?

Underboob does anyone not appreciate?

Soccer She's doing it right

Pancakes best when Served with A side of Under boob

Underboob. Still Epic

Hot Nerd I'm Confused

I wonder how many places I've already visited for the last time

Majephtic. I am Pho Majephtic

In addition to Casual Friday, I propose the following : Punch a Coworker Monday, No Pants/Shirt Tuesday, Drunk at Work Wednesday, And Call in Sick Thursday

Visitors wanted my dog to be tied. So I had him Tied