Mac gives the illusion of speed. your wife will brag about it to her friends. Windows PC performance Car pushed to it's limits. Linux built in a garage, no fucks given. It'll go up in a fireball if you fuck up. Console Look mummy I'm driving!

well just paid my bills looks like its ketchup packets and saltine crackers the rest of the week

No Unsupervised Children. Attention Idiots! there are only 3 reason to unholster your loaded firearm.

No Unsupervised Children. Attention Idiots! there are only 3 reason to unholster your loaded firearm.

1. You are robbing us

2. You are shooting the person robbing us

3. you are a complete incompetent idiot!!

Please o not unholster a loaded weapon in our store

If you do, the following will apply to each of the above

1. you will be shot

2. you will be thanked.

3. you will be treated like an idiot and asked to leave.

if you are offended by this message you can assume you fall in the third category

Hey, I'm offering a free busted winow. to anyone who leaves their dog in the car on a hot day!

The season wouldn't feel the same without people going out of their way to be offended by nothing

Happy Mothers Day.

The Steaks have been raised

Just going to get a couple beers with friends. aaand it's morning

When you see water on the floor and you've got socks on

Mood swings caused by the menopause aren't helped by suggestions. if you feel like shouting, just close your eyes and count to ten!

Ate salad for dinner! mostly croutons & tomatoes. Really just one big, round crouton covered with tomato sauce and cheese. I ate a pizza - Kevin Hart

Jean is a nice person. She happens to like girls instead of guys. Some people like cats instead of dogs. Frankly, I'd rather live with a lesbian than a cat. unless the lesbians sheds. That I don't know. - Sophira Pertillo, Golden Girls

Stockton to Malone. Stockton Umupo

If at first you don't succeed keep trying until you're really screwed

The scientist who developed the vaccine to fight leprosy is about to reach his 100th birthday and is still working to find a vaccine for cancer - Jacinto Convit

Damn your resemblance to a muppet will prevent the world from taking you seriously. I knew it all this time.

I do a great impression of a hot dog.

Sad through time. Hey Kid! I'm you from the future! I came back to find the cause of my crippling depression!. do you think it was the day you found out you grow up to be a sad, fat tool?

Something about today makes we want to be hungover tomorrow.

A wise man makes his own decisions an ignorant man follows public opinion. Chinese Proverb

how is this possible?

You know you're really high when you roll your friend into a joint

There was a fly... the point is I got it

Expensive Restaurants be like. thats 89$, Sir

I know nobody likes me. why do we have a holiday season to emphasize it?

My brother and his wife got in a fight last night, she apparently used his phone as a ninja star.

I'm not a Lesbian! I hate men, but I'm not a lesbian

Walking Dead Norman Reedus Prank

How can you talk if you haven't got a brain. some people without brains do an awful lot of talking

He did 2 years in time-out

I never got to see my friends this summer because I was always on vacation

I fell asleep on the trampoline and woke up to this

Nice Sunrise. Wow amazing

A Piglet named Chris P. Bacon was born without his hind legs but thanks to his caring owners, he can now walk with the help of a tiny wheelchair made from children's toys

Someone tore up the garbage on an unrelated note, I'm out of food

Telling a girl to calm down works about as well as trying baptize a cat.

How do I put this? you will never "sleep in" again

For external wounds. Neosporin pain relief. for internal wounds. Jack Daniels

How can Mirrors be real if our eyes aren't real. - Jaden Smith

Story time with Danny Trejo. Once upon a time this hijo de puta was being a cabron. So I cut the pajero

Don't just read only the success stories, you'll only get a message. read failure stories, you'll get some ideas to get success

Dude, last night was pandamonium

Hello, are you there? Yes, who are you please? I'm watt. What's your name? Watt's my name.

Hello, are you there?

Yes, who are you please?

I'm watt.

What's your name?

Watt's my name.

Yes, what's yor name?

My name is John Watt.

John What?

Yes, are you Jones?

No I'm Knott.

Will you tell me your name then?

Will Knott.

Why not?

My name is Knott.

Not what?

Not Watt, Knott.

What?

Robin, I appreciate your help, but there's a reason your name is Robin, not Batman

and for all that spamming you did on Earth, you are sentenced for eternity to use this early 90's PC with a dial-up 56k modem

College Jenga

My girl scored a freekick against me on FIFA so I ended the game and the relationship... Ain't no way she learnt that shit on her own

It's sad how wile E. coyote is remembered for his violence and not for his brilliant paintings of tunnels

Thank you for the application but we are not hiring right now. When it's time to party we will always party hard

bitch u can't use noooo more of my silverware if u gone be eatin ass!! got my son cereal tastin like poop-loops! shit-a-mon toast crunch & booty pebbles.