Real Woman don't label themselves as "Dimes", "Barbies", or "Bad bitches" because Real men don't carry around loose change, play with toy dolls, or wife dogs

The only thing I've learned during finals week is the importance of marrying rich

I have to run as fast as I can to a randomly selected other room

A toast to mother in laws that try to micro-manage their adults sons daughers love lives but have never had a successful one themselves. here's to you bitches!

These are your kids on books

So you think I'm batshit crazy..? say it again to my fae.. so you can get the full experience

I have incredibly good taste, I just don't have the money to prove it

Just paying my way through obedience school

He woke up and started to get off the couch then went back to sleeping like this...

You bring out the best insults in me.

Sometimes I can't figure out if I'm in preschool or high school. oh wait.. I'm at work

There's a weird pleasure in loving someone who doesn't love you.

I am fucking insane but my intentions are gold and my heart is pure

Don't make excuses for him. you can't put flowers in an asshole and call it a vase

What I learnt from the hunger games : In the future everyone is Lady gaga

Boys they're better in books

I don't always play the villain but when I do, I'm more popular than the hero

People keep thinking that I care. Weird

The only culture you have is bacteria

I re-pin all of your stuff & you re-pin all of mine. even though we've never met, clearly we are pindred spirits

You're not my enemy, you're not even my equal, you are so far below me I can't even see you

Yes, Yes, I see now. You're a cunt.

Facial Hair. Acceptable. The minimum. The tracker. The trucker. Mr. Natural. Unacceptable. Emasculator. The douchebag. Bruce. Prison Pussy. The Nut Smudge. The Fop. Minus Balls. The Joke.

Ever been tempted to cheat on your wifey? when it happens to me, one glance at her pic in my wallet and I'm like "Naaaah... I love her too much!"

I've found that when people try to convince you of their beliefs. they're really just trying to convince themselves

If you say "gullible" slowly it sounds like "oranges"

Usually people as nice as you are either mentally challenged or taking ecstasy

Yolo because stupid people don't know what Carpe Diem means

I hate it when you open the fridge and can't find what you were looking for. Like happiness and perfect abs

I hate the phrase kids will be kids. I think it should be replace with bad parenting results in assholes

My face when I see people apply tester lipsticks directly to their lips

Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home?

Yeah, I lost your number. I lost it when I hit delete

Mary had a little lamb whos fleece was white as snow it went out to a club one night and dropped it hella low

Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

You look like I need a drink

I try to avoid things that give me anxiety, headaches and unwanted drama. that would be YOU!

I do not miss the old disney

Shit Tyrone. get it together

It's international Women's Day! let's burn our bras! just kidding.. my boobs are big and I need this

Sorry, I'm not Adele. I don't wish the best for you nor do I want to find someone like you. I do, however, want to set fire to all of your stuff

I thought I was a good person until I started to read all these mean ecards & was like "That's totally me!" now I see what an asshole I really am

Your wiener is the only one for my buns this Valentine's day!

Sometimes, when dealing with people, you can't help but stop and think, "Yup, I'm about to get my first assault charge"

Don't flatter yourself, sweetheart. the only fan you have is on the ceiling

That awkward moment, when someone asks you what's wrong, when they're the problem

The world is your sandbox, so make the best fucking sand castle anyone has ever seen

I'm not saying she is a whore. I'm just saying that her vagina is used inappropriately more often than my cell phone on vibrate

I've made you a cake. What flavor is it? It is full of shit and lies, just like you

Squeez Bacon.