Just wanted you to know that I've planned something spontaneous for later.

I'm sure your wedding dress will be beautiful, elegant, and durable enough for a brawl on the church steps

Yeah, I know there's a special place in Hell for me it's called the throne

Yeah, If you could just, come to the dark side, that'd be great.

How many introverts does it take to change a light bulb? Why does it have to be a group activity?

Please stop mistaking my wonderful sense of humor as flirtation. just because I make you laugh does not mean I want you. I'm just naturally hilarious

Holding doors a question of distance. Friendly. Awkward. Why are you doing this

The best relationship advice I can give you is make sure you are the crazy one

I can tell we will be good friends by that inappropriate and judging comment you just made

Where did you guys get the coats? seriously I'm fucking freezing

I've got an idea. when you start talking, I'll just leave

Religion for when you haven't dumbed yourself down quite enough

There's this Elf that lives on the shelf and comes alive each night. Can you get that creepy bastard out of my house?

So tell me more about how you would have done it differently than the office on scene. did you come to this conclusion based upon your training at taco bell or was it the fact that you have seen every episode of southland

Too many people are walking around unmedicated, unsupervised, and affecting my life

Oh I'm not bossy. I've been blessed with an administrative gift

of course babysitting your children is a legit substitute for having our own! thanks to you we just saved a ton on fertility treatments!

According to serving sizes, I'm a family of four.

Are you readign my VCR manual? well, we can't all be reading the classics, Professor High Brow

Go Swimming they said. Nope

There is a land called Douche Bagastan, and you are their king.

What if Spider-Man's super power was shooting spiders out of his hands. no one would ever commit crimes.

If you think a minute goes by really fast, you've never been on a treadmill

Jesus, Helen you can't go on the beach like that! it's obscene!

Someone told me, Don't fall in love, you might get hurt. I told them, don't live, you might die.

When I was 22 a girl's night involved tequila. at 32 a girl's night involves dinner at Applebee's and shopping at Goodwill in the rich neighborhood

Silence doesn't mean I've quit, it means you're just not worth it

We love each other and we're best friends and we love each other and I like squirrels and love and stuff. Dog and Human. Go away. come back I like you. no I don't. lemme out. gimme treat. I love you. go away. carry me. Cat and Human

I have a dream that one day the dishes will be done. not by those who need them but by those that have created them

Sorry your online passwords are stronger than you'll ever be

When I was a kid. I thought quicksand was going to be a much bigger problem than it really is

The four stages of Pizza bargaining. 1. Casual interest. 2. Guilt trip. 3. Stare down. 4. shameful begging

Does it bother you when your fur is dirty with poo? no!.

Sone you better pass that exam or else forget me as your father! sure, whatever dad.. 5 hours later. so, how was your exam? Who the hell are you?

I hate two faced people, it's so hard to decide which face to slap first

I love you, Lord. may I be able to prove it more and more each day until you return

People fear what they don't understand and hate what they can't conquer - Andrew Smith

Apple Troll on Lost Man

Some people will have to learn how to appreciate you by losing you.

Sometimes I wish I was an octopus, so I could slap 8 people at once.

Never change your originality for the sake of others. Because no one can play your role better than you. so be yourself. you are the best

Everyone comes with baggage. Find someone who loves you enough to help you unpack

OMG! Shark!!! dude, we're sharks. oh, right

Push up Bras Whoever inventem them, we salute you

Move out of your comfort zone. you can only grow if you are willing to feel awkward and uncomfortable when you try something new. - Brian Tracy

Time and Distance don't matter to me, as long as I know it'll be me and you in the end

About all you can do in life is be who you are. some people will love you for you. most will love you for what you can do for them, and some won't like you at all - Rita Mae Brown

Stop caring what people think. Stop taking caution in your actions, listen to what you want, do what you want, this is your life. Live it.

I have a smart phone and a dumb battery

Yesterday is a canceled check : forget it. Tomorrow is a promissory note : don't count on it. Today is ready cash : use it! - Edwin Bliss