Aww my middlefinger likes you

People in sleeping bags... are the soft tacos of the bear world.

Most things can be improved by one of five things : cheese, bbq sauce, melted butter, ranch dressing, or chocolate

I had my Weddings before I had Pinterest

If insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Then I guess I'll stop cleaning the house

The only reason to shave your beard is for the joy of growing it again

There is a right way and a wrong way to carry your beige colored neck pillow through the airport

I trust any research claiming semen is good for a Woman's skin.

Even the biggest failure beats the hell out of never trying

A heat wave? in the summer? but that Never happens! except every year. at this exact same time. Since forever. Pussies

My wife says, "camping's a tradition in my family" it was a tradition in everyone's family, till we invented the house

Sorry you're not interesting enough to be my friend or my enemy.

Screw your past, don't let it screw you.

Wednesday is Hump Day. Funny, seeing as I want to hump you on Saturday, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday..

I see, so if I don't have sex with you I'm a prude bitch, if I use the pill I'm a slut, if I get pregnant, I'm an idiot and if I choose abortion I'm Satan. Yay

The difference between a woman on her period and a terrorist is that you can negotiate with a terrorist

Just wanted you to know I accept the apology you haven't given yet.

Bless me with patience... not opportunities to be patient, I've had plenty of those and they don't seem to be working. the actual patience..

The awkward moment when your toothbrush's shadow starts to brush it's teeth

I haven't seen you since that time I hoped I'd never see you again

May you have an easier time finding your next girlfriend than you did finding my clitoris

I wish my employee evaluation form had a line item for "tolerating a psycho" in which case I have exceeded expectation

I want my eyelashes to be as black as my soul and as long as the list of people I hate.

I used to think I needed to be nice to everyone. LOL

Well, you're ugly. and that's the only argument I need

I like that you're a little damaged, it shows you can manage.

The more you know, the crazier you look

Why yes, I will spend $50 more to get free shipping to avoid paying $3 for shipping.

Seeing your high school teacher prostituting at the local burger king

Stop trying to compare your wars and your scars and just fucking kiss them

Stick it em Nurse Nicole. Congratulations!

Lord, kung di man siya para sa akin pwede mo na siyang kunin

That moment when candy has a better love life than you.

Because there's far more money to be made in treating a disease than curing it. why cure someone of cancer in a day? when you can treat them for a lifetime and bill them every step along the way.

I changed my Facebook timeline cover to the avengers picture and I realized that my face was blocking Hawkeye's body. So I quickly took another photo to make hawkeye look more fabulous

I love you so much, I would provide you with an alibi in the event that your crazy ass snapped

I'm better than the movie! - Book

How not to be a Dick when you grow up. a guide

You're one of the few friends I enjoy being with more in person than on Facebook.

If you're crazy and you know it, shake your meds!

They won't be able to fit what I'm about to do to you on a conversation heart.

It's not that I don't love you anymore, it's just that now I hate you

Whenever I see someone running faster than me, I assume they aren't going as far.

Giving your child a trophy for NOT winning pretty much guarantees that he will be living in your basement applying for jobs as a Superhero until he's 40.

Whenever someone says to me, "Oh you look so familiar, where do I know you from?" I like to respond with, "do you watch porn?"

If girls always treated each other like we do when we're drunk in the girl's bathroom then the world would be a much happier place

I've decided to add "Extensive experience in dealing with stupid people" to my resume. That has got to be a marketable skill!

I'm quite fawn'd of you, My deer

I'm sorry my recent absense from work caused you to have to do your own work.

You had me at "I'm not a relationship person"