I know I should respect your opinion but I find that difficult becuase you're a fucking idiot

Coffee can't fix. this kind of tired

She was Hannah Montana. when bush was President. Thanks, Obama

What if March really has 32 days. and april 1st is just a prank

I ran out of gas and this officer pulled over and asked if everything was alright. after explaining, he went and got some gas and then poured it in. when I offered him money, he smiled and said "have a nice day..." before getting back in his car and driving off

It's like our office thermostat only has two settings : Eternal hell fires or Hypothermia

That's too much orange zest! are you blind?! Grab the butter, Moron! if we watched cooking shows the way guys watch sports

Why are you turning in a blank sheet of paper? because all my answers are imaginary numbers

Can't find my phone or keys, but I always manage to find the tampon that wants to magically jump out of my purse at the worst possible time

You don't need more time... you just need to decide. - Seth Godin

When your gingerbread house fails... add dinosaur.

There is a land called Douche Bagastan, and you are their king

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.

Behind every beautiful woman, there is a dumb ass guy who did her wrong and made her strong.

You want me to purr? I charge extra for that

I can tell today is going to be a "does not play well with others" kind of day

I've never been skydiving, but I have zoomed-in on Google Earth really fast

If Vegetarians love animals so much why do they eat all their food?

Disney told a better love story in eight minutes with no dialogue. Than Stephanie Mayer did in 500,000 words

Thank you for informing me you have a stick figure family of 6.. your minivan had me under the impression you were wild & single

People fear death even more than pain. It's strang that they fear death. Life hurts a lot more than death. At the point of death, the pain is over. Yeah, I guess it is a friend.. - Jim Morrison

are people that manufacture table tops counter productive?

So there you have it, Women are responsible for 10% of forest fires.

This sums up my life after graduating college all too accurately.

I had to go to Walmart for a few things when i realized I did my hair and make up today so I went to Target instead

I wish I spoke Idiot so I could tell you off in your own language

Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That's where I come in

I often walk a fine line between "super fun" mom and "kinda-psychotic-maybe-we-should-call-the-authorities" mom.

Sometimes it takes me more than eight hours to get nothing done

Some days I am the queen of serenity. Other days, separating coffee filters pushes me over the edge

Some of you are too young to know what it was like to take a ton of pictures and have to wait two weeks to find out they were useless

Spellcheck yourself before you wreck yourself

When I look at bodybuildres, I can't help but focus on their upper shoulder and neck muscles. It looks like a skinny man is popping out of the torso of a bulky man.

You're never childless, when you have a husband

Tried to lick my balls.. I regret nothing.

I'm sorry about your parents, but no spell can reawaken the dead, Harry. I trust you know that. Except for the time turner. we'll use that to save buckbeak

What if at the end of breaking bad. they drop walt into witness protection and that's the start of malcolm in the middle

What if I told you I'm also cowboy curtis from Pee-Wee's play house

His only weakness. Niptonite.

What if Women had apostrophes instead of periods? They'd be even more possessive and prone to contractions

I may need to extend my lunch break into not working here anymore

Makes a song called "I'm sexy and I know it", Is one of the ugliest Motherfuckers I've ever seen

I'm going to open an ice cream shop and name the flavor things Like : "Don't be sad", "he's not worth it" "You deserve better"

Mr. Ant, please help! I'm stuck! urgh! I can't do it, Mr. Turtle! you're too heavy. Oh God, I don't want to die like this stuck on my back like some pathetic cliche! Well... I could set you on fire instead maybe toss some confetti around? Woohoo! I'm Unique!

Mac and Cheese is so mainstream. I eat poop, it's organic

Always remember, it's better to arrive late than to arrive ugly

This summer I certainly wasn't 'Bikini ready" but i'm happy to report this Fall my body is totally "poncho ready!"

Nothing beats a beautiful girl with a great singing voice except Chris Brown

Card doesn't scan. swipe it again. "am I going to get charged twice?"

I don't care what you think of me, because it can't be half as bad as what I think of you