Your secret is safe with me and my best friend

That awkward moment when you get re-pissed about an old situation whenever you start thinking about it again

Ladies.. if you can weark makeup to the club, we can pretend we balling too.. Hell, you pretending to be pretty!

That wasn't a fart. I was just blowing you a kiss with my butthole

The amount of sleep required by the average person is five more minutes

There are two reasons why I don't take my girlfriend on a long drive in my Audi A8. No Girlfriend No Audi A8

Stupid Driver.

You never really know someone until you talk to them at 4am.

Homemade with love. in other words, I licked the spoon and kept using it

In friend's home, in front of his parents. In friend's home, when his parents are not in the home.

Facebook is great for reconnecting with old friends, and then reminding us why the friendships didn't last. Thanks FB!

Intervention we need you to step away from the internet now.

When you and your friend say the same thing at the same time

If love is blind then why is there love at first sight?

If you want someone to listen to you, start the conversation with "I shouldn't be telling you this"

It takes me six hours to clean my house. Five hours to watch TV and one hour to go "Oh Shit!!! Better Clean!!!"

I hope this time the human understand my art.

Getting paid to sleep.. that's my dream job

I need a part-time job that pays $30,000 a week.

No Offense means I'm about to insult you, but don't get mad

Bananas Fresh from the Country of Nope

Yes, I know I got hair all over the couch.. it's called furniture isn't it?

I hae a good handwriting. Patients don't believe I'm a real Doctor

Kitty Prison while we get the house painted

so what do you think the meaning of life is? Food & sleep. Yep, That's what I thought

Life is a one time offer, use it well

You should be studying. - Avengers

So.. tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.

Once in awhile someone amazing comes along, and here I am!

When I say, That's crazy, It's usually because I haven't been paying attention or I simply have no idea what else to say

Daddy! Daddy! wake up now! what happened dear? You forgot to take your sleeping pills

Sometimes you can't tell if you're just in a bad mood or everyone around you is being annoying

I'm on my way. I'm stuck in Traffic

first time I've seen a corner window.

Masarap ba?? Masarap ba ang Asawa ko?!! Masherep.. Ansherep. MAJA-ROT KA!!!

One does not simply drive home from McDonalds without eating any fries

Thanks so much for that update about your super busy life.. noboy has ever gone to work, the gym and made dinner in one day. How do you do it?

Don't steal, don't lie and don't cheat. The government hates competition

I had a great time last night! at least, that's what the police report says!

That awkward moment when you hear someone re-telling a story and they are lying

yes, I have an accent. no, you don't need to try to imitate it.

I only need a coffee on days ending with the letter y

Put that stupid tongue back in your mouth, jerry. that's not what your mom said last night. oh shit!

Mommy, I'm sorry you're tired! just kidding. I don't care

Every snack you make every meal you bake every bite you take I'll be watching you.

No, Thank you for letting me watch you constantly text as we hang out. I would hate to bore you with my company.

Office boredom you're doing it right

Human, is not time for work. is time for belly-rub

Why are all these people here?/ There's too many people on this earth. We need a new plague.

Water Temperature