You doctor called with your colonoscopy results. Good news, they found your head!

Sometimes I say stuff without even meaning to be funny and I'm like "Man, my subconscious is hilarious!

When I grow up I want to be like mommy!

Dear Mrs. Jones.

I wish to clarify than I am not now, nor have I ever been, an exotic dancer.

I work at Home Depot and I told my daughter how hectic it was last week before the blizzard hit. I told her we sold out every single shovel we had, and then i found one more in the back room, and that several people were fighting over who would get it. Her picture doesn't show me dancing around a pole. It's supposed to depict me selling the last snow shovel we had at Home Depot.

From now on I will remember to check her homework more.

Am I the only one who listens to a butt-dial call hoping to catch someone talking shit?

That awkward moment when you start telling a story and you raelize no one's listening, so you slowly fade out and pretend you never said anything

Prayer Vs. Alcohol

Women on the same menstrual cycle as their friends should really be considered gang members. That's how dangerous they are!

Good girls are only Bad girls who did not get caught

The secret to staying young is.. to lie about your age. - Lucille Ball

No matter what life throws at me, At least I don't have ugly children.

How to start an arguement online 1. express an opinion 2. Wait

etc. end of thinking capacity

Spiderman in united states. I will Help you... Spiderman in India. Help me!

If 2 & 2 makes four how is 4 & 4? This is not fair teacher, you always do the easy ones and leave the hard ones for me :(

Every man has this look when his wife is driving

Facebook version of you VS Realistic version of you

My teacher pointed me with a ruler and said. "At the end of this ruler there's an idiot" I got detention after asking which end Teacher?

First day of kindergarden. First day of school. Monday

Woman is the most harmless, self-controlled, well-mannered, undisturbed, non-violent human being... Till her Nail Polish gets DRY.

Watching Horror Movie

I wont get out till you buy me an Iphone

What is your qualification. Ph.D. What do you mean by Ph.d? Passed High-school with Difficulty...

Honey, what's the password? our anniversary date. she did this on purpose

My wife said she'd be ready in 5 minutes

Expectation Vs. Reality

Titanic The New Version

No. I'm not married.

Good Acting... Best Acting... OVer Acting

Before vs After

Mom's logic - Junk Food Vs. Balanced Meal

If a man speaks at sea where no woman can hear, is he still wrong?

We're all gonna die, water is wet

Rhonda Mcfadden says she caught her former landlord trying to steal her chicken

Execute Order 66. You want fries with that?

I think this culture of "Everyone-gets-a-trophy" leaves kids woefully unprepared for the realities of life

Dont judge your patients - they can sense it, and it makes them lie to you your job is to treat the patient, not judge them

I have so many toys but I cant fit them all in my mouth

Made dinner for the girl i'm dating she came back the next day for leftovers

People getting engaged and im like ... what beer do i want?

Never skip leg day

That's the eighth stamp on your NICE GUY CARD! Now you can stop pretending to care about me as a person and we can have all that sex you deserve! Hot diggity!

Am I interrupting anything important? Impossible, I work for the government.

I think you've confused me with someone who builds a dam.

Babe yknow what would be hot? if you did a little striptease for me before we do it. a striptease? uh huh, like a little dance and you take your clothes off. yeah i can do that

I was kidnapped as a young child and still check the locks on the doors several times before going to sleep 26 years later wife gets angry at me for randomly getting out of bed to do this, but i can't bring myself to tell her the reason why, so i'm telling you.

My Imaginary Girlfriend

PARADISE no matter your age THIS is paradise

My 6-year old trying to cheat tooth fairy. Those are tic-tacs.

If my teacher looked like this. I'd go to class every day

like when you see it