Wednesday, August 27, 2014

Here, let me wipe that bullshit from your mouth


Karma serving up justice one asshole at a time


Don't judge me... if you're reading this then you're not working either


A good friend would offer you an umbrella in the rain. a best friend would steal yours and say "run bitch, run!'


I have a strong customer service background. by that I mean I always press the mute button before calling someone a cunt


A narcissist will use the phrase "get over it" because to them, your concerns are trivial and if it's not about htem, then they're not interested


want to cut a watermelon open without a knife? take a quarter, make a small incision, and karate chop it in half. it seriously works!


How about you fix yourself instead of breaking me.. that sounds more like a plan


When I get excited I too eat invisible cereal


I love you but the next time you include me on a group text message I will straight up punch you in the face


I love how coffee tricks me into thinking I'm in a good mood for about 27 minutes


Ermpa Lermpa Dermperder der


I've got bills, they're multiplying


Awesome things will happen today if you choose not to be a miserable cow


How are girls hard to understand? we like Taco Bell, Starbucks, cuddling, compliments, naps, Disney movies, yoga pants, and shopping


There is no sense in doing a lot of barking if you don't really have anything to say


Stupid autocorrect. you always end up posting some thong you didn't Nintendo


Are you a campfire? Cuz you're hot and I want S'more


Thanks for telling me to just have sex if I want to get pregnant. I've spent thousands on fertility treatments and never thought of that


If presented an enigma, Hark! I shall resolve it. indulge in this chorus whilst the conductor prolongs it. Ice, Ice, Ma'Dam


Annoying : People who use "literally" incorrectly. when I saw how much it cost, my head literally exploded! You seem to have healed surprisingly well. Way more annoying : People who use "literally" unnecessarily I literally drove my car to work today! but Yes, I suppose you did


I realize that I am highly educated and have an expansive vocabulary, but sometimes the most appropriate thing to say is OMG


Your stories could cure insomnia


Thanks for sending me a group text! Now, I will get text all day, from your friends! Awesome!


A boy makes his girl jealous of other women. A gentleman makes other women jealous of his girl


And so she gave no fucks. Not a single one. and she lived happily ever after. The End.


My cat's reaction to the bear skin rug my roommate brough home.


Hey girl. I get how you spent $300 at Target when we just needed toilet paper. I do that, too.


The party don't start 'till I walk in


My desire for overtime pay is not as strong as my desire to not be here.


Yes, I want you to get what you deserve. Don't blame me if what you deserve is horrible things. That's just Karma!


Ermahgerd Plersterc Berg


Friday, August 22, 2014

I don't judge people based on race, creed, colour or gender. I judge people based on spelling, grammer, punctuation and sentence structure


When someone compliments my shirt, I frantically tell them where and when I bought it, how much I spent and what other colors it comes in. I should just say "thank you"


The Visor in my car is too high to shield the sun from my eyes


There are eight ways of contacting me through my phone that don't involve me having to talk to you. use one of those


Let's not make this more complicated than it has to be. if you don't want to be called out on your shit, don't act shitty.


Are you still listening? No I am not. I am tired, I am lying down. You've been talking too long


Oh, you want to lose 3 lbs for bikini season? i had to eat raw carrots for lunch just to squeeze back into my fat jeans. WALK AWAY.


When I cry, tears roll down my face. Then I taste salt. when I taste salt, I think of French Fries. then I stop crying. Circle of Life


Do you like these apples?


Underboob does anyone not appreciate?


Soccer She's doing it right


Pancakes best when Served with A side of Under boob


Underboob. Still Epic


Hot Nerd I'm Confused


I wonder how many places I've already visited for the last time


Majephtic. I am Pho Majephtic


In addition to Casual Friday, I propose the following : Punch a Coworker Monday, No Pants/Shirt Tuesday, Drunk at Work Wednesday, And Call in Sick Thursday


Visitors wanted my dog to be tied. So I had him Tied


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