Monday, March 31, 2014

You knew damn well that was the wrong hole

I'm not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them

Let's try having sex before we rush into dating

Alcohol Goes in, Happiness comes out

We Don't need no Education

Dear vagina, I clean you, I give you hair cuts, I let you wear lace, I give you daily massages.. and you return the favors by bleeding for 5 days. Fuck You.

I am a grown ass man, if I want to make a bacon and egg hot tub for my toast people I will

God I'm getting tired! how long 'til we reach the fallopian tubes? Still a long way to go. we've only passed the tonsils

Heck, yes, I'm short. God only lets things grow until they're Perfect. Some of us didn't take as long as others

You know you had good sex when you walk outside and the neighbors start clapping

I'm not a procrastinator. Procrastinators say they'll do it later. I say fuck it and never consider doing most shit.

I'd happily watch you burn in hell, bitch

I will try to be nice, but sometimes my mouth gets in the way

So you mean to tell me. My toes are not piggies

I will not yell in class. I will not throw things in class. I will not have a temper tantrum. I will always be good, because I am the teacher. I am the teacher. I am the teacher

Hoes favorite excuse was "I was young and dumb" No bitch you was jut a hoe " Hot n ready" like little Caesars Pizza

If I would fuck ur mom, would we be enemies? no hehe, would we be friends? no. hu? what then? we would be even

Put your knees down. Mr. Jones. They are down, nurse!

I suggest we drink, before we go out drinking

Don't make excuses for him. You can't put flowers in an asshole and call it a vase

Have you seen this cat? Cause he is fucking awesome! he's not lost or anything, just thought you should see him

But sexy doesn't impress me. Smart impresses me. strength of character impresses me. But most of all. I am impressed by kindness. Kindness, I think, comes from learning hard lessons well, from failing and picking yourself up it comes from surviving failure and loss. it implies an understanding of human condition and forgive its many flaws. When I see that in someone, it fills me with admiration

Hey dad, I decided I'm going to drop out of school, I'm sorry. It's okay son, just remember one thing. What? I don't like pickles on my Big Mac

Don't let good sex confuse your heart and make you think you're in love

Sex without head, is like a sandwich with no bread

Let's meet offline to lower the odds of me being turned off by your shoddy grammar and punctuation

Side bitches always be trying to be seen with you in public. umm... you a side bitch you ain't meant to be seen!

That "call me" text. Bitch, why don't you just call me?

I want you to be the reason I don't get out of bed in the morning.

Once I've completely changed you, we'll be perfect for each other

Hey.. I found your lips, they were stuck to the bosses ass again

Bitch please! the only thing virgin about you is your nose. and even that's been fingered

I hear you're into fitness. How about fitness dick in your mouth?

They say Shitting is a call of nature. Does that mean farting is a missed call?

When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those Who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures’, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour-‘of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness that is a friend who care? ~ Henri J.M. Nouwen

Giving a man morning sex is like holding a door open for a woman. it's how you know you found a winner

Your offer of no strings attached sex is offensive and by that I mean yes

God didn't Give you the strength to get back on your feet so that you can run back to the same thing that knocked you down

I'm no bartender, but let me recommend a nice smooth shot of Shut the Fuck up

I want to do to your body what the IRS does to your income.

let's dance our way to the bedroom like those couples in movies.

Never make eye contact while eating a Banana

Thanks for not laughing at my absurdly unattainable New Year's resolutions

A ride or die chick means that you're there for him when he's down & out. Not when he cheats multiple times & you still say! - Kendrick Lamar

A cop is staking out a bar for drunk drivers. At closing time, he sees a guy stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and fumble for his keys for five minutes. When he finally gets in, it takes him another five minutes to get the key in the ignition. Meanwhile, everybody else leaves the bar and drives off. When he finally pulls away, the cop is waiting for him, pulls him over, and gives him a Breathalyzer test. The test shows he has a blood alcohol level of 0.0. The cop says, ‘How is this possible?‘ The guy says, ‘Tonight l ‘m the designated decoy. '

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